achad.net

Wrote this in January, 2010.

For the past three years, Death has looked me squarely in the eyes on a regular basis. Multiple lung collapses and surgeries, drug addiction and all of the associated problems, seizure and/or severe migraine problems, problems procuring money and shelter.

Right now I’m laying in bed with a nasty cold and mourning the loss of a Reese’s Dark Chocolate Peanutbutter Cup that I can’t eat. You see, I’m extremely sensitive to caffeine; even as little as 20 milligrams will cause me to have seizure-like symptoms (including passing out) within an hour. It just so happens that a serving of dark chocolate contains approximately 30 mg of caffeine.

I was reading posts by people with epilepsy while researching how caffeine acts as a seizure (and migraine, in some people) trigger, and noticed that a lot of people describe their symptoms as having progressed significantly throughout the time they’ve had their disease. Likewise, whatever symptoms I’ve been experiencing have progressed over the past couple years.

This led me to think about my time here and how little of it there might be. Continue Reading »

Your hearing’s gone and you won’t even get to hear me say I love you for the last time. You may not even know I’m here, but I wouldn’t miss seeing you for the world, because I love you.

Don’t you want to walk? This is our last chance. I want to make up for so much time I missed while I was in college or at work. Time I’ll never get back. Why won’t you get up? I love you.

Look at how you stare blankly ahead and smile as you pant. You almost look happy, unaware that death is standing over you, bending down to take you, and we’ll never see each other again. We’ve always been there for each other, but now I can’t help you, even though I love you.

I remember how young and healthy you were, much faster than I could ever hope to be. Dandruff and fleas lurk where your beautiful fur coat once was. Even though your bones stick out from what’s left of your body, you’re still beautiful and I love you.

You’ll feel much better soon. Your quick, shallow breaths will slow to a halt, and you’ll take on new life as part of the whole. You’ll be anywhere and everywhere, undivided from existence, which is pure joy. Even though I’ll miss you, I’m glad that you will no longer have to suffer. Even though I selfishly want you forever, I’ll let you go because I want what’s best for you, because I love you.

Date: Februrary 2007
Substance: Ketamine
Dose: 100mg intravenous x2
Subject: 125 lb male

Disclaimer: This was done legally in a hospital setting.

About a month ago while I was out at a guitar shop with one of my friends, I had a partial lung collapse and required hospitalization. After examining a chest x-ray to determine the cause, the doctors decided that a chest tube needed to be put in, and that conscious sedation was the safest method. They told me that I would be put out with ketamine through my IV, and asked if I had ever heard of it before. In addition, anti-anxiety and anti-nausea substances were administered to reduce negative side effects. Prior to administration of the ketamine, I was told that I wouldn’t remember a thing afterwards. but I thought to myself, “I hope I do.”

After the injection I didn’t really feel anything, so I asked whether or not they had given me the ketamine yet. They assured me that they had and that it should kick in any second. As hard as I tried to focus on my state of awareness so I could determine exactly when it hit, I couldn’t do so. I blacked out for a moment and when I regained consciousness I was tripping. Continue Reading »

I wrote this a long time ago and decided to share it here. As a Thelemite struggling with addiction, I feel that it is relevant to share my experiences with other Thelemites. Eventually I want to get together with some of my addicted brothers and sisters in the OTO and come up with a recovery program to supercede the outdated, old aeon model of Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous.

–

God, so many relapse triggers here. The cool morning air. The sound of cars going by outside. Her mom getting ready for work. She’d be taking me to work soon if it were still then. A twenty minute car ride and then a walk to the bathroom stall. Prepping my dose, and the first shot of the day. Too good but so bad. I can’t believe I used to put opiates into my veins every 3 hours. I can’t believe that out of anyone who could be saying this, it’s me. Me with the near-perfect SAT score. Me, the kid who used to wear dorky glasses and have tight jeans with pant legs that were too short. Me, more interested in my books and programming than parties and shallow interactions. Ah, middle school. We change so much over the years. Continue Reading »

I remember every detail. The first day at the coffee shop. The first night in the snow. The snow angel I made which looked like a hooded KKK member — the one we so affectionately called the KKK Angel. I was 15. You were 13.

I remember how hard it was to get to you. You were only at your dad’s house every 2 weeks for a weekend. My parents installed an alarm system. . .not to keep others out, but to keep me in. I remember spending an hour ripping apart an old harddrive for its magnet, so I could trick the alarm system into thinking the window was still shut. Crawling out the window. Freezing as we walked through subzero temperatures. Snow, wind, no coats or hoodies. Miles through blizzards. Sometimes just to hug at the halfway point for 15 minutes, and then part for 2 more weeks.

I still remember your scent. Gucci Rush. Every time I smell it, you come flooding back. It makes me crazy. I’m still addicted to you. You made sure I always would be. You would spray my pillows with your scent. Go running and “forget” your shirt at my house. And even after we decided the two week breaks were too painful, that our love wasn’t worth the hurt, you would make sure I couldn’t forget you. You still write suggestive things to me from time to time. You put Rush on the letters so I smell you. You don’t want me to forget.

Lovers later, fiances later, and I still miss you. And you miss me too. You drown yourself in alcohol. I suffocated myself in opiates for 2 years. But heroin isn’t as good as the real thing. And neither is alcohol. You still miss me when you’re drunk, I still miss you when I’m high.

Are we going to die this way? Me longing for Gucci Rush because it is better than a heroin rush, and you hung over with tears?

Why did we always have to be Romeo and Juliet? Why would you only see me at night? Was I just your means of transcending the mundane?

I still think about you.
Miss you.
Want you.
Love you.
Need you.

I still remember.

I kind of miss my AP Lit class from way back in highschool, so I did a literary critique of this song to bring back memories.

–

In his hit masterpiece “Re: Your Brains,” Jonathan Coulton makes a humorous, albeit vehement, attack on the corporate lifestyle. While juxtaposing office workers with zombies, he uses a tightly-woven series of literary and musical elements to further his critique.

E-mail is the dominant form of interoffice communication. Although phone calls are also commonly used, e-mails allow for non real-time communication to occur between multiple parties. The song’s title, “Re: Your Brains,” is a reference to e-mail subject lines. Taken literally, this would refer to the mythological idea of zombies needing to consume human brains for sustenance. In the corporate world, however, it refers to the idea of being paid for your time as opposed to what you produce. Your boss is literally renting your mind from you. Continue Reading »

It’s been over a year and a half since I started achad.net and my vision for it has changed dramatically. Achad means a lot to me. It’s my spot on the web where I can write about anything. I post thoughts on philosophy, art, current events, Thelema, etc. Although my original vision was to create a community, Achad ended up being an expression of the joys and sorrows I face on my journey.

I realize it’s been a while since I’ve actively posted. Much has changed in my life over the past year and a half. Besides quitting an addiction and exiting an abusive relationship, I’ve made new friends and lost old ones, moved 3,000 miles away from home to make a new life for myself, and started my own business: all while disabled by a medical condition which prevents me from looking at fluorescent lights.

In the next few weeks I will be posting a few things I’ve written but never go around to putting up. I’m also looking forward to editing a couple of my old writings, specifically the ones on Thelema. My opinions regarding certain Thelemic topics have changed drastically and I’d rather present my views accurately since there are a number of links pointing to my site referencing these documents.

Finally, I will be creating a new template for this site when I get around to it. The current layout is pretty boring and not very attractive. Since I have my own web design company and my portfolio could use some more active sites, I figure this is a great chance to demonstrate my abilities. (If you want to support my company and hire me to do some website work, please visit http://www.sigil93.net to get in touch with me.)

Thank you all for helping make Achad a success, and I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Although I’m not usually a fan of pop music, I do enjoy listing to a few of Lady Gaga’s songs. Her sense of aesthetic and her dedication to art is impressive and really shines through in her music. When listening to songs like Paparazzi, it almost feels like there’s some kind of energy to it, like it touches on something deep.

Ever since the first time I listened to Lady Gaga’s song “Poker Face,” I noticed that the refrain seems to sound something like this:

P-P-P-Poker Face F-F-Fuck her face

However, every time I mentioned it to a friend, I’d get a response like “whatever man, you’re just hearing what you want to hear. It doesn’t sound anything like that!” or some other form of denial that Lady Gaga would ever include lyrics like that. Unsatisfied with these responses, I did some Googling. It appears that I’m not the only one who has heard this.

Upon some further research, I actually found some videos that convince me that it is not just selective hearing. In this video:

Lady Gaga admits that she does indeed say “fuck her face” in the song lyrics. In case the video is ever taken down in the future, here is a transcript:

“It got played all over the world amidst thousands. . .tens of thousands of radio stations. But Kiss FM is the only one that said I had to censor my lyric because they thought I might be saying something bad. Out of all the radio stations in the world that play this record over and over. . .Kiss FM is the only one that was right and caught on!”

This is from Wango Tango in Irvine, California, if you ever have to go looking for it. Now, I admit this can sound like she is mocking Kiss FM or being sarcastic. However, in another interview, which was already taken down, she states that she is completely serious and not joking.

Further evidence can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exwZXQoHkwg&feature=related

This is a concert from Tokyo, Japan where Lady Gaga sings an acoustic version of Poker Face. If you skip to the last 15-20 seconds of the video, she very clearly enunciates “fuck her face” at the end. It sounds something like “Po-Fuck her face.”

After watching the above videos, what do you think?

You’re taking me to the dream place — a place I’ve been so many times before, but not like this. This isn’t right, you’re pushing me in and it’s not the same dream. Swirling, falling, pushing, clawing, biting, wretching, forcing. I’m not ready but I go anyway. I fight it but I go anyway. It doesn’t fit but you put it in anyway.

Pain and more pushing, and eyes so wide. Are you even the same person? You’re different inside. . .

Trickery of the highest order. I’ll make it stop if you sell yourself to me, you say. And then I do, and then you start again.

We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the harder way. I’m just making it harder, you say. Stop fighting, you say.

I can see the whole thing ahead of me. A place I don’t want to go, and I’m not as strong as you, and you make me go there anyway. I can see every step along the path, and you’re dragging me, and my chest is covered in blood, and the chains bruise my wrists.

How can you do this to someone you love? How can you still tell me you love me after all this?

Did you have fun, you ask. I die a little at your heartlessness. Fun? I ask. You’ve forever stolen that word from my vocabulary. Every time I think about tonight I’ll cringe. You’ve taken my life away. And I’m not just being melodramatic.

How can you do this to someone you say you love? Love for a human is different than the bond of possessing an object. But you’ve made me an object. And you’ve broken me.

But there is light in the distance. A great distance to be sure, but not so much time-wise. Love is the law, but not a law like the one you’ve broken. Love is a law like gravity, and that means you can’t break it. Love is there or not-there, and it is There. And There is where I’ll be, starting to pick up the pieces you’ve severed from me.

How can you do something like that to someone you say you love? How can you laugh while you do it?

Facebook's New Layout (Click to Enlarge)

Pictured above is a screenshot of Facebook’s new layout, with private information blocked out in red and numbered locations for reference. Apparently, not all users have been transitioned to the new layout just yet. Those who have are almost unanimously disappointed with the changes. Here is a brief rundown of the reasons I dislike this new layout. Each number below corresponds to a circled number in the graphic above, where applicable.

1. The “Top News” section is selected by default, instead of “Most Recent.” As far as I’m aware, this is unchangeable. “Most Recent” would allow me to see posts in the order they were made, similar to a news feed. This is the Facebook experience I am used to, and having “Top News” as a default changes the site experience in a way I do not like.
2. Bookmarks have been removed from the bar at the bottom. Most of the time I spend on Facebook is spent playing Mobsters 2, World War, or Medical Mayhem. Having quick access to these applications, especially in the case of emergency events that arise in the game, is vital. The new layout forces me to take an extra step to access these applications.
3. The search bar is hideous. It looks disproportionately long compared to other elements in the page, and despite the fact that the page is divided into a (sort of) three column layout, it still appears to be placed in a haphazard fashion. It looked much better in the right column of the page and with a shorter width.
4. Links at the top are inconsistent. Some are graphics, some are links. . .and it’s generally confusing. Additionally, AJAX code at the top apparently isn’t functioning properly. When I receive a friend request, a badge will appear on the appropriate icon with a number “1.” After accepting the request, the number doesn’t go away until I click the menu again, click accept again, and receive an error message saying that I’m already friends with the person in question.

   The placement of the links at the top is unintuitive. I feel like “Home Profile Account” should be on the very left as they seem like important administrative functions. Ideally, these would also be made into graphics and grouped with the other three buttons.

5. There is no directly accessible logout link! Instead, I have to click into a menu and log out from there. This is annoying and, in my opinion, constitutes poor interface design.
6. The new layout doesn’t always load, for whatever reason. Sometimes I get a blank page with just the template and have to refresh.

I believe there were more, but I can’t think of the rest at this time. Even besides the specific points I’ve outlined, I think the aesthetic is just generally unappealing. Perhaps Facebook should consider an advanced option in which users can upload their own CSS stylesheets and customize the layout for themselves. This could even open up a market for companies or individuals to sell custom stylesheets to Facebook users (or provide them for free and profit from advertising revenue).

What do you think of the new layout?