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Today marks my ninth day clean from a two year opiate addiction. For two years of my life, I’ve been spending extraordinary amounts of time in the bathroom, extraordinary amounts of money on just one thing, and much more time counting, adding, calculating, waiting. Will I have enough to get me through until my next paycheck? Will I have to borrow money? How much is left in this bag? When did I take my last dose? If I take more now will I run out and get sick? Suddenly, I don’t have to worry about these things any more. It’s an incredible relief to not have to live your life around doses of a chemical. For once, I can tell which feelings are natural to who I am, and which were caused by the chemicals I was taking. I’m actually very grateful, because if it weren’t for a legal herb called kratom, I would have never been able to come off my 240 mg/day oxycodone habit. In spite of my success, however, the battle is not yet over.

For one, although my regular withdrawal symptoms have ended, I am now facing what is known as post-acute withdrawal. That is, I have intense periods of restlessness that come and go throughout the day, bad muscle aches that come and go, and intense cravings that come and go. The restlessness, to me, is the worst of all. I feel like I can’t focus on anything.

General knowledge has it that addiction is a chronic neurological disease, and that the addict needs to develop a recovery regimen after quitting his or her drug of choice. It is almost always believed or at least implied that recovery is a life-long process. Thus, a non-active addict is always a “recovering” addict, and never a “recovered” or “ex”-addict.Throughout my years of flirting with — and eventually becoming addicted to — opiates, I have had serious doubts about much of the common wisdom regarding the disease model of addiction. I do not seem to be alone in these doubts, as many addicts and non-addicts alike seem to share them. It seems to be mostly the 12-Step and addiction counseling crowd that puts forth the various claims surrounding addiction and recovery that are so widespread today. Unfortunately, the former is largely religious and thus is apt to believe things on faith, or without scientific backing, and the latter has a profit motivation.

Let me be clear, I am not trying to knock the methodologies employed by 12-Steppers and so-called addiction specialists. In fact, a few of the things that I thought were “all bullshit” when I first got into all of this, I’ve seen and adopted myself first-hand. The presence of truth in some of their claims, however, does not mean that everything they say is correct.

Some time ago I was arrested for possession of LSD, a non-addictive hallucinogenic substance. Despite it’s non-addictive nature, I was ordered to attend a six month treatment program in lieu of punishment. During this time, which was before my addiction to opiates, I was able to see the treatment process first-hand. One thing addicts are “educated” about in treatment is the process by which the brain becomes addicted to a substance. For example, it was once believed that alcohol caused addiction in alcoholics due to their bodies metabolizing it differently than those who do not have an alcohol problem. A chemical called “THQ” was said to be an alcohol metabolite in alcoholics, and was purported to be “more addictive than heroin” and to accumulate in the brain. It has been quite a while since the scientific community has discredited this information, yet it is still being presented as fact in addiction treatment facilities.

Likewise, I’ve heard all sorts of unverifiable claims about specific ways addictive chemicals supposedly permanently alter brain chemistry and so forth, but “somehow” if you are “genuinely” using your medication for condition XYZ, “various factors” prevent this from happening. To me, “various factors” is a very vague phrase, and I have never seen any evidence that such factors even exist. In fact, I’ve seen people form horrible addictions — yes, addictions, not just dependency — to chemicals they are legitimately prescribed for, say, cancer pain or herniated disks. What happened to those “various factors?” Nor are these people any sort of “extremely rare” case. . .getting addicted in the hospital seems to be a common story.

I’m not discouraging the use of addictive substances in hospitals. To the contrary, I am frustrated by the fact that legitimate patients have a difficult time acquiring chemicals that they need, simply because regulations are so tight. Yes, these regulations are tight due to addictive potential — but then why are we assuring patients that proper medical usage will prevent issues with addiction? In any case, this is a very complex issue and continuing this discussion would be beyond the scope of this writing.

Given that the 12-Step/Addiction Therapy crowd is spreading incorrect or unverifiable information as fact, I think this issue really needs a critical, skeptical lens applied to it. As such, hopefully my own personal recovery process will be a testament to the facts of the matter. Do I believe addiction is a disease? I suppose it depends, but it seems probable. The rewards system in the brain which affects decision making and behavioural conditioning gets hijacked by the action of the drug, and thus the ability to say “no” can be quite limited. The same argument would likely be made by 12-Steppers, but it also seems to contradict their claim that “any” chemical can be addictive (this claim is made right in the official Narcotics Anonymous literature), which would have to include Tylenol, Advil, and other drugs that have nothing to do with the mesolimbic reward pathway. The claim that total abstinence is necessary to “allow the brain to heal” makes sense with regards to allowing the mesolimbic reward pathway (and/or whatever else) to return to homeostasis, but addictive substances such as caffeine and nicotine are somehow okay and frequently used at NA meetings.

Regardless of the mechanism of the disease aspect of addiction, I think it is self-evident that a recovery period is necessary. I do not believe this period is necessarily a life-long process for every or even most addicts. Recovery, to me, simply means lifestyle adjustments to allow the addict to live without their drug of choice. If one’s life was completely changed to focus on their drug, and they have nothing else, recovery will naturally be a longer process. In my case, I continued working throughout most of my addiction period. I didn’t incur any legal troubles, didn’t hang out around other addicts except occasionally to buy drugs, and I had other hopes, dreams, and ambitions in my life. My friends didn’t stop being friends with me due to my addiction issues, and I have a family. As such, adjustment to a life without my drug of choice is probably not going to be too difficult.

My plan for recovery is as follows:

• Start exercising, to alleviate restlessness, distract myself from cravings, and strengthen my body. It will also give me a routine which will help get my willpower back to where it should be.
• Continue my spiritual practice. I believe a completely secular recovery is possible, but I am a spiritual person and will use that to my advantage. I do not believe in a “higher power” in the NA/AA sense. 12-Steppers claim the higher power can be anything outside of yourself, even your 12-Step group. Despite this claim, prayers are still spoken in the traditional Judeo-Christian sense, and the higher power is treated pretty much the same as the Christian god. To me this seems like a thinly veiled crypto-Christianity. I do not need a “higher power” to be accountable to keep myself from being addicted. . .I just need to remember that I have very specific things I want to accomplish in life, and that addiction is draining to my willpower and would thus bar me from living a meaningful life. That said, my spiritual practice is what gives my life meaning, and thus why continuing it is a part of my recovery. If playing an instrument, developing software, or something else gives your life meaning — substitute that in instead. Nor do you have to pray to your cello!
• Write in a journal. My particular spiritual system requires this anyway, so I’m all set. I love to write, and getting my feelings out through words is very cathartic and will serve as a record of my progress. This will enable me to set clear personal goals and make sure I’m keeping up with them. Likewise, if there is any “underlying cause” to my addiction, this is one of the best ways for me to discover it. Mostly, however, I fell in love with opiates in the hospital and kept using them because I otherwise felt bored sitting through 8-hour work days (and who doesn’t, no matter how much you love your job?).

After some time, once I’ve conditioned myself to deal with certain circumstances without thinking about opiates, and once I’ve restored my willpower/motivation back to normal, I will consider myself “recovered.” My willpower is only sapped because I’m used to feeling good (or bad) based around the use of a chemical, and not my actions. Thus I don’t feel motivated to finish an essay, get up and work out, or whatever else, as I’m conditioned to feel like my actions will not have an impact on any of my feelings or circumstances. Setting clear goals and gradually exercising my willpower should repair this. I have an excellent support system of friends and family to aid me in this task, if need be. Although I mostly disagree with the 12-Step process, I am not totally closed to the possibility that it is the best methodology (I wouldn’t be a true skeptic if I came in with a closed mind to any side), and if my support system is unavailable I would be willing to attend the *occasional* NA meeting, just to share experiences and for advice.

Perhaps in a later essay I will go into why I feel like NA is a cult and why the 12-Step process is unnecessary and based on antiquated dogma, but for now I leave you with this: if you are an addict and your addiction has become a problem, it is possible to quit and in many cases get back to normal. If you are going through the recovery process, experiment for yourself and question everything. Accepting things as fact from the so-called “authorities” in the addiction field seems to be unreliable and may cause you to have to make more sacrifices to your lifestyle than are necessary for your recovery. Be wary, and best of luck!