I wrote this a long time ago and decided to share it here. As a Thelemite struggling with addiction, I feel that it is relevant to share my experiences with other Thelemites. Eventually I want to get together with some of my addicted brothers and sisters in the OTO and come up with a recovery program to supercede the outdated, old aeon model of Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous.
–
God, so many relapse triggers here. The cool morning air. The sound of cars going by outside. Her mom getting ready for work. She’d be taking me to work soon if it were still then. A twenty minute car ride and then a walk to the bathroom stall. Prepping my dose, and the first shot of the day. Too good but so bad. I can’t believe I used to put opiates into my veins every 3 hours. I can’t believe that out of anyone who could be saying this, it’s me. Me with the near-perfect SAT score. Me, the kid who used to wear dorky glasses and have tight jeans with pant legs that were too short. Me, more interested in my books and programming than parties and shallow interactions. Ah, middle school. We change so much over the years.
There is not one among us who would resist her call at this hour. Turn back before it’s too late.
All it takes is an accidental injury, a brief stay in the hospital, and you’re hooked for life. Even when you’ve been off for months, you’ll wake up at 6 or 7 AM, maybe an hour after falling asleep. . .and all you’ll want is one last hit.
There were times that my “one last hit” almost was just that, and for reasons completely unrelated to me wanting to stop, or being unable to get more — if you catch my drift. I can’t believe I’m still here, after endless hours in the bathroom struggling to stay conscious when I took too much. Would this be it? My last breath? They got so shallow sometimes, and I’d wake up hours later on the floor, my eyes still pinpoints but already time for another dose. Damn, my second two hour break for the day, tenth for the week. . .and they still haven’t fired me. They must have really liked me. Just like I liked the $20,000+ I spent on oxy in a year.
And just like that, my cravings are gone again. For now. Good night.
–
I thought I’d mention that I managed to stay off oxy all this time. If any of you remember my last post entitled, “Addiction and Recovery: An Experiment,” I’d like to mention that it’s been a huge success. Keeping a journal and exercising is all it’s taken to keep me clean.
I’ve tried a few different forms of exercise and have found that lifting weights has been the most effective. Sometimes the endorphin rush from weight training is so intense that it feels just as good as if I were on opiates. Give it a shot! Just remember to train properly and under supervision. I ended up hurting my rotator cuffs and having to stop for a long time. Although I took up running, it wasn’t nearly as effective at keeping my cravings, lethargy, and restlessness at bay.
Good luck and stay away from dangerous cults like NA!
